How to Move On

The grieving process of a divorce is similar to the process one goes through when a loved one dies. There are five stages to the process: denial and shock, anger, ambivalence, depression, and ultimately recovery. Most people do not work through these steps one after another as they expect to do. Multiple phases can be experienced at once and moving in and out of each phase over time is not unheard of. It is a difficult and time consuming process. Many family counselors feel it may take as long as two full years to recover fully.

Understanding the process and the types of feelings you might experience will help you allow yourself to grieve. It is important to allow yourself the time you need to recover from the traumatic experience of ending a marriage so that you can move on to the next phase of your life.

Shock and Denial

When the decision to divorce a spouse is made or you feel your spouse is serious about filing for divorce, shock and denial may be experienced. The enormity of what is happening may seem like more than you can bear at the time. Anxiety and panic are common feelings one experiences when taking into account all of the changes that will happen in your life. Denying reality and clinging to familiar routines are typical ways of coping with the extreme emotions involved. There is comfort in the familiar as well as a sense of security. Denial allows you to protect yourself from the knowledge that life is going to change dramatically as well as from the feelings of fear associated with that knowledge. It is important to keep in mind that denial is an effective coping mechanism as long as it does not last for forever or create other problems in your life.

Anger

Anger is characteristic of the next stage. Your feelings of anger may be towards yourself, your spouse, your parents, your job, and perhaps everyone around you. It can be extremely pervasive but is also a necessary part of the recovery process. Unless your anger is acted on in a destructive way, it can be quite useful. Give yourself the time you require to move through your anger because it will help you let go and put emotional distance between you and your soon to be former spouse. With time, you will begin to think of yourself as a single complete being rather than half of a couple. Until you do this, it will be difficult for you to focus on your own needs and to build a new life for yourself.

Ambivalence

The third stage is ambivalence. Ambivalence is what can make people break up and then get back together, repeatedly. It is present during most of the grieving process for people who are going through divorce. The process of a divorce puts people on an emotional rollercoaster – depression, excitement at the thought of a new life, anger, disappointment, and back again. It should not come as a surprise if you feel out of control and experience a great deal of uncertainty.

Depression

Depression is very taxing when experienced but it is the most crucial part of the grieving process in terms of helping you move forward into your new life. It may be accompanied by a variety of emotions that seem unrelated to your divorce or marriage. If you let yourself look at yourself, experience loneliness, and tackle your role in the relationship as well as the end of the marriage, you will be capable of moving on and letting go. You will stop blaming your spouse, lose your feelings of anger and ambivalence, your self-esteem will be restored, and you will be ready for the final stage of recovery.

Recovery

Once you reach this point, you are feeling much better about yourself. Your self-esteem may still be a little shaky but you are now ready to build your new life. The first step in rebuilding your life is reconstructing your social network. You may still retain friends that you shared with your spouse; however, those relationships were based around shared interests of the couples involved. It is really time to find new people whose company you enjoy and who have similar needs in terms of time and activities.

Keep in mind that this part of the process takes time, just like all the others. Give yourself time on your own to explore new interests and to create a social network before you enter another, new, committed love relationship.

With time, you will begin to feel like a single complete person and may actually be comfortable as a single person. If you have worked hard and paid attention to your wants and needs, you may be comfortable with being single. This is a time for getting to know yourself and building a new identity as a single person. By getting to know yourself and creating your single person identity, you will be capable of making healthier choices for yourself in the future.

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