Austin Family Lawyer

Remarrying After Divorce – As a Parent

Going through a divorce is hard. Going through a divorce with children is harder. Having children with your former spouse adds a whole new dimension to the already complicated web of relationships you need to sort out during divorce proceedings. Not only do you have to deal with your own emotional issues, but you must set aside time and energy to ensure that your children make it through the ordeal as well.

The good and bad news is, the struggle doesn’t end even after the divorce is finalized. Besides hurt feelings and inability to understand the split, children of divorced parents often have a difficult time when one of their parents gets remarried.As an adult, getting remarried after a divorce can be part of the healing process. It is a sign that you have matured, accepted the divorce, and moved on. It may be a very happy time of your life, but it is rarely so for your children.

When a divorced parent gets remarried, children receive several conflicting messages. On the one hand, they feel obligated to be happy for their mother or father, but on the other hand, a second marriage is final proof that the divorced parents will not get back together. Since many divorced children entertain thoughts of an eventual reconciliation between their parents, having these hopes shattered can be just as traumatic as the divorce itself. Furthermore, children must try to adjust to having a stranger in their lives who intends to take on a parenting role. It is not surprising that children often resist this transition. They feel that any show of affection or even acknowledgement towards their new step-parent is, in essence, a show of disloyalty to their “real” parent. There is also the issue of privacy and familiarity. While the remarried parent may be very comfortable around their new spouse, the child is not likely to have the benefit of such a solid relationship. Having a near stranger walking around in your house is an unsettling experience, which often leads to resentment.

As a parent or step-parent, you should be very careful to help your child adjust to their new situation. How you can do this depends partially on the age of your children. Adolescents tend to be the hardest to deal with in this situation, because they are struggling with their own identities and with issues of independence at the same time. As a step-parent, the best way to approach an adolescent child is as a counselor or mentor, as opposed to a full-fledged authority figure. Remember, in the eyes of the child, you as the step-parent are invading their territory, not the other way around. Another good rule of thumb is to develop a strong verbal relationship before offering any physical signs of affection. Although giving your new stepdaughter a hug may be a perfectly innocent and well-meaning gesture, she is likely to feel uncomfortable at the situation.

If you are the remarrying parent, your task is to consider your child’s feelings in everything you do. Do not try to tell your child that they are being irrational or overly emotional. Let your child know that you understand and respect his feelings, and he will be much more inclined to respect yours.

If you are a non-custodial parent, do not forget your obligations to your child(ren). Studies show that non-custodial parents who remarry display a sudden drop in the amount of time they spend visiting their children. This often leads to feelings of abandonment, which translate into anger directed at the new step-parent.

According to psychologists, it takes up to 2-4 years for a new “mixed” family to truly adjust to living together. The message for remarrying parents is this: be patient with your child. They are going through issues just as difficult as you did during the divorce, but without the mature emotional control of an adult. Your job as a parent is not to correct or criticize, but to show love and support every step of the way.

If you have questions regarding the legal and emotional ramifications of divorce, an experienced Austin family lawyer from Slater & Kennon can help. Call 512-472-2431 today.


Centrally located in the Arboretum area of north Austin, the Slater & Kennon law firm represents clients in Travis County, Bastrop County, Burnet County, Williamson County, and Hays County, including the cities of Austin, San Marcos, Bastrop, Burnet, and Georgetown.