The Emotional Complexities of Abusive Relationships
As much as we may like to tell ourselves that humans are rational beings, the plain truth is that our psychological processes and emotional reactions are infinitely complex and powerful. So often, even if we are able to tell ourselves that something is right or wrong, rational or irrational, we are incapable of acting on that knowledge, caught in the endless web of feelings and conditioned responses.
On a basic level, some people might call this an issue of willpower: I know I should exercise today, but I really just don’t feel like it. That block of “not feeling like it” even when you know better, however, is a huge part of being human, and when it comes to relationships, the idea of willpower becomes a lot more difficult to fit in.
So much of what we crave in relationships is about feelings, emotions, reactions, and memories – not about the seeming cold logic of willpower. This is a major part of our civilization’s obsession with the notion of true love – we enter into and stay in “real” relationships not as some sort of business transaction, but precisely because we cannot help ourselves. In other words, it is the loss of willpower.
When we have felt honestly, purely happy with someone in abandoning logic and willpower, it can be almost impossible to wrench ourselves away from it. Even when someone knows he or she is in an abusive relationship – a difficult thing to acknowledge in its own right – acting on this knowledge can be like facing the “I don’t feel like exercising” reaction multiplied thousands of times over.
When Someone You Love is Being Abused
It is so easy for those of us with a clear outsider’s eye to what is going on in a relationship to say that we simply don’t understand why the victim stays, because it doesn’t make sense. Moreover, when we deeply care for the person in question as a friend or family member, our inability to understand his or her irrational behavior can be incredibly frustrating and even painful for us to see.
It is obviously crucial that you do your best to convince someone in an abusive relationship to get out and break away as cleanly as possible. However, even more important is that you be there for them passively, as an outlet for letting them express why it is so hard to let go of that feeling. We can offer advice, and we can do our duty to keep someone safe and make them happy, but truly caring means getting the person to open up and listening to them as much as it means trying to convince them to do what they have to do.
Contact Us
If you or someone you love has been affected by emotional or physical violence in a relationship, contact the Austin domestic violence lawyers of Slater, Kennon & Pugh Ltd.LLP at 512-472-2431 today.